


A Tale Of Moon And Stars

by paper_eternity



Series: Tales of Wolfstar [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, Lightning Era, M/M, Marauders, Post-Prisoner of Azkaban, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-03-15 16:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3453917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paper_eternity/pseuds/paper_eternity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>London, 1994: Nothing is ever the same as it was before, after Sirius and Remus are reunited unexpectantly - or are they even really? After Sirius returns from Azkaban, broken promises and secrets seem to have ruined their friendship. They will have to find out, whether broken things are ever truly lost.</p><p>Please don't be turned away by this horrible summary, I have never been much of a genius with those.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Letter From Your Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Set after 'Silence', so I suggest you read that first, although it is not necessary. Compliant with J. K. Rowling's more than amazing books and my other works from the Harry Potter fandom.
> 
> I do not know yet, how long this will be, but I have written another five chapters already, so we'll see how it goes. I hope you will enjoy this!

In a small flat in the middle of London, a man groaned, when he looked up from his book and out of the window. The air seemed to be as grey as the buildings and cold wind made it much colder, than it actually was. He'd always liked autumn, since it meant cuddling up in woollen sweaters, taking long walks through parks full of colourful, falling leaves and it being socially acceptable to drink tea at all times, but right now it seemed depressing and glum.

The year of 1994 had gone much too fast for Remus Lupin's taste. In the beginning the future had looked a lot brighter than it had for most of his past and he'd discovered, that he really liked teaching young, eager students about something he felt more than passionate about: defending yourself and the ones, you love against evil, a skill, he wish he'd acquired a lot earlier than he had in the end. Then again he wasn't one for regret. Just when Remus had convinced himself, that maybe it hadn't been his worst intention to be around minors, vulnerable and highly influenced by their parents, once again his life had spiralled a little out of control. Even though this wasn't anything new to him, one could never truly prepare for what was to come – and Remus definitely hadn't expected to see Sirius Black walking free ever again. When he'd imagined it though, he'd never associated it with loosing his job or loneliness. After their brief, but life changing encounter in the Shrieking Shack, Remus had been eager to see Sirius again, even though his friend had to go into hiding immediately. Little did he know, that their meeting would turn out more catastrophic than any of their previous combined and that said a lot. Finally after weeks of secrecy and planning, they were able to meet up in Remus's flat – and had sat in silence for the most part of two hours. Now it had been quite a while since his last more than awkward encounter with Sirius and he still hadn't heard from him at all. It wasn't unusual for Sirius to bundle up in his own feelings and be absent for a while, but normally he did come around after a while. Remus hadn't necessarily expected to hear from him, but he had at least hoped. A hope, that had been disappointed.

Being a practical person meant not moping around over his loss, but rather occupying his mind with finding a new job, after having been let go from his position as a teacher in Hogwarts, a mission, which had proven to be only moderately successful, and reading, which was what he was doing now. Sitting in his armchair with a new novel in hand, Remus could forget about the mess that was his life and concentrate on the characters' problems instead of his own, a distraction he'd always welcomed ever since he'd taught himself how to read on one of the long afternoons spent alone in his bedroom.

Just when he'd really gotten back into the plot though, a knock on the door interrupted his concentration, causing him to scowl at the door, hoping the irritating person would just go away. Whoever it was, they didn't.

After the knocking continued for a while, Remus finally got up and opened the door. Standing in front of it was his new neighbour Sally, who was always disruptive and annoying, very much unlike his old one, Emmeline. She had been a cute, slightly deaf old lady, who'd always called him 'dear' and had made him cookies. Remus missed her already and wasn't ashamed to admit, he'd cried after attending her funeral in September. Another reason, why the past year had in no case been easy for him.

Stepping from one foot onto another impatiently, Sally looked expectantly at him, clutching a letter in her hands.

“What is it?!”, Remus snapped at her, because he really wasn't in the mood for small talk at all. If he didn't answer the door, within the first two minutes, he normally wasn't home or wanted to be left alone and usually people seemed to respect that.

Instead of sensing his obvious irritation, Sally broadly grinned at him. “Well, I've got a letter for you,” she said, as if she was presenting a million dollar prize. Apparently she was dim on top of being utterly obnoxious.

“I can see that.”

“It was delivered by a _very_ cute gentleman”, she added, her eyes glittering, “He told me,you wouldn't want to open the door, but that I should be persistent.”

Remus already cursed that person, whoever he was. He rolled his eyes. “Why don't you just make out with him next time?”, he grumbled. Honestly, even as a twenty-six year old, she was acting like a bloody teenager.

“Oh, I think, he was more interested in you, Mister”, Sally teased, her eyes lighting up at such scandal, “So do you want the letter from your secret lover or not? Or maybe he's not so secret...?” She raised her eye brows suggestively. Who in their right mind would give Sally a letter, when all they'd have to do to deliver it themselves was walking up to flights of stairs? Cowards, that was who. Without intending to and to his great annoyance Remus had grown a little interested.

“Fine, give me that god damn letter!”, Remus growled in response, then snatched it from her fingers and shut the door tight before her prying eyes. He had to take several deep breaths before being calm enough to glance down at the letter. How obnoxious could a person be?!

The breath caught in the back of his throat. Two words were all it took to make him loose all his annoyance. Suddenly he wasn't sure, what to do with the letter; read it and cry or rip it into a million little pieces? Of course he knew that option two wasn't actually a possibility, he would curse himself forever for not opening the letter. The letters on the envelope started to dance before his eyes though, as tears started forming in his eyes. Remus wasn't quite sure, why he started to cry in the first place – was it from surprise, sadness or relief? He just kept staring at the two words, written in blue ink, clearly by the only one, who could destroy his life not once, but three times. The one and only Sirius Black. To Remus, was all the letter said.

 

To Remus _, it read on the tiny parcel, Remus was turning over and over in his hands. It was odd really, the wrapping paper was not the shabby dark blue one, his mother reused to wrap his presents each year, besides he had just returned from home. He'd climbed the stairs of Gryffindor Tower, somewhat looking forward to his noisy room mates, just to find his dorm room deserted and said parcel on his bed._

_The only other person besides his parents, he could imagine giving him a present was Mrs Pomfrey, but just before he'd left Hoghwarts, he'd gone over to her office and had awkwardly handed her a box, he had folded himself, containing several small items, he'd collected in the forest. If he was honest with himself, he did not like giving them away, but the school nurse had smiled and cried “Oh my, thank you, Remus! I am afraid, I do not have anything for you...” She had trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed, so Remus had quickly blurted out, she did so much for him on any other day of the year, Christmas really wasn't important. If it hadn't been for the two words, scribbled onto the wrapping, it might have been a present from her after all, but he had seen her hand writing on all the prescriptions, she'd given him so he would be able to attain medicine for his sores after the full moon. Remus hadn't told her that those prescriptions lay neatly stacked under his bed, because even with them his family could not afford the potions._

_Which still left him with the problem of not knowing, who had gotten him a present. Tentatively he started unwrapping the item, careful not to tear the paper, like his mother had taught him and gasped, when he had unravelled it all. He was holding a box of Glacial Snow Candies, which he had longed for ever since he had gotten to taste one of Lily's. In the beginning they were shaped like snowflakes in the most magnificent patterns and when you popped them in your mouth, they had a kind of frosting on them, that reminded Remus of muggle cereal. After a while they melted on your tongue leaving a delicious, sweet, lightly buttery taste behind that lasted for almost an hour or at least that was how long Remus pretended he still noticed faint traces. However he had no wizarding money whatsoever, so he had not been able to get his hands on any since then._

_Eagerly he opened the boy and put one of the snowflakes in his mouth, not taking the time to even marvel at its shape, like the first time he'd tasted one. Only then he noticed there was a note in the box, too. It was not smeared at all and once again Remus was in awe of how wizard sweets only melted, when they were supposed to. Then he fnally read the note:_

Remus, _it said,_

Peter thinks, you might not get presents at home, because your mother is sick, so I figured you might like these.

Merry Christmas,

Sirius

 

For a moment or so Remus was stunned, caught in memories long lost forgotten. Then he blinked back the tears, unexpected anger overcoming him. In the rare moments in the past year, he'd felt both sympathetic about Sirius and hopeful in general, he'd acknowledged that his long lost lover was an escaped convict; innocent, but not in the eyes of society or his criminal record. How would such a man be able to contact him without putting his health and freedom at high risk? Not even Sirius Black would act as irrational, just to make Remus feel better. However, now he just showed up and presented himself to the first female, who just happened to be one of the world's most gossipy people, in his human form with not a doubt in his mind. As usual Remus would have to sort out the mess and make his neighbour forget anything she might have remembered.

With a massive sigh Remus opened his front door again and took the stairs to Sally's apartment in a half run. His bones fet so much older, the head on his shoulders so much heavier. Not even three seconds after he'd rung the bell, Sally appeared in the door frame, her facial expression changing from surprise to hope.

Suddenly she wasn't all that obnoxious anymore and reminded Remus a little of the stray puppy his Dad had once brought home. Remus wasn't the good guy though – like the puppy had to die, he had to make Sally forget. What was worse was that it was Sirius's fault and that this time he'd destroy something it would be fully intentional. At least it had been the werewolf, who'd hurt the puppy. Nothing protected him from taking the responsibility, when Sally's smile wavered as he took out his wand; when her eyes filled with fear as he pointed it at her. How the wolf could find a similar sight appealing had always been foreign to him.

Remus swallowed hard. “Obliviate”, he whispered and by the time Sally regained her senses, he'd put away his wand and had forced a smile.

“Thanks for your help, Sally”, he told his confused neighbour, who replied with “It's a pleasure” anyway, probably questioning her sanity as she returned inside.

 

For the next hour or so Remus felt burning rage in his chest and deep shame in his heart. He would not give Sirius the satisfaction of reading a letter, that had made him act against everything he stood for just by existing. Then he grew restless and finally he gave in, sitting cross-legged on his couch.

To Remus, was all the envelope said, but those seven letters couldn't have told him more: The handwriting was undoubtedly Sirius's, too many notes had been passed during class for Remus to forget, in what unique way Padfoot curled his Rs. Yet, Sirius had never, not at any point in their lives, called him Remus, unless he was upset with him; it had always been Rem or more often Moony, love or honey. That alone scared Remus enough to just glare at the envelope in his shaky hands for minutes until he finally, with much difficulty opened it.

 

Dear Remus,

I apologize for my behaviour the other day. If you don't mind, I'd like to see you again and then hopefully talk. If you can and and want to make it, meet me at that muggle pub down the road at seven on Friday.

Looking forward to that,

Sirius

 

At that Remus couldn't help, but laugh really loudly and cynically. The man, who'd written the letter was not in any way the Sirius, Remus had grown up with; that Sirius would have marched right up the stairs and kicked the door in, if necessary to apologize. Or if he felt he was in the right, he would have sulked and waited for Remus to approach him, even if that meant being isolated for days. However this letter was just so formal and forced and the fact that Sirius hadn't had the guts to talk face to face, made Remus sick. Maybe he didn't know Sirius that well anymore after all.

He closed his eyes once more and tried to convince himself, that he wouldn't go; he wasn't going to come running, after the way Sirius had treated him, letting him feel as though he was unimportant and what was worse, like he was the only one, who wasn't able to move on. Within minutes of contacting him without even being present, Sirius had forced him to do something vile and disgusting to protect him. Sirius deserved to be hurt, too.

In all honesty though, Remus knew, he was going to go to that pub anyway, no matter what happened. If there was even the slightest chance to see Sirius, then he would take it. At that moment, Remus thought, there was no one in the entire world, who was more pathetic and needy than him.

 

_Young Remus, just having received the first ever Christmas present from a friend, if he could call Sirus that, went down to the hall. He was stunned and a little overwhelmed at the thought of his arrogant room mate being considerate towards others, least of all him._

_Still pondering on this strangeness, he only looked up to prompt one more paradox. In the middle of the corridor stood an obviously very upset boy, who was on the verge of tears and when Remus looked up he saw the boy's pants were stuck to the ceiling. What was really disconcerting him though, was the fact that Sirius Black was standing opposite the boy, his wand drawn and laughing loudly, head thrown back. Ever so quietly Remus backed away, even though he would have liked to do nothing more than help the poor, pantless boy. He wondered, whether that was what friendship felt like._

 


	2. Beer, Scars and a Hug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, chapter two. This one is at least a little fluffier than the last, I hope you enjoy it :)

Sirius couldn't stop glancing nervously at the clock in the pub. He was holding onto the pint in front of him for dear life and every so often he would straighten the folds in his dark blue jersey. Just like on a date in fifth year just a million times worse, he was scared, which had rarely occurred outside of Azkaban and nearly every time, he had felt that way, it had been because of Remus. He was scared, because he didn't know, what he would say to him, scared of the possibility of their meeting going just as awkward as their last and scared, he didn't know one of his best friends any longer. Had he waited too long, before writing that letter; had he ruined it all over? Honestly, he wasn't even sure, Remus would show. Fear wasn't an emotion Sirius Black could handle well, so he had retreated to the one of the two things he knew would calm him down: alcohol. The other had always been Remus, James or even Peter, but obviously that option had been taken away from him, all at once on one faithful Halloween.

He was almost two beers in, before a tall man squeezed onto the bench opposite him, struggling to close his shabby umbrella. When he looked up, Sirius's mouth felt suddenly dry, besides just having taken a huge gulp of his drink. It struck him how tired Remus looked, dark circles under his eyes, all colour drained from his face, like after a particularly bad full moon, even though that would be only be two weeks from then. Some time during fourth year Sirius had stopped counting time in months, resorted to moons, bruises and broken bones.

“Hi”, he croaked, lost for anything more intelligent. It all felt too intense, too real. In his head it had been a fine idea to invite his estranged friend for a beer, but it wasn't really, was it?

“Hello, Sirius”, Remus addressed him formally in return, his eyes studying every move. He looked so utterly indifferent, it made Sirius want to run far, far away immediately. Instead he stayed and that for him was a huge achievement in itself.

With his eyes fixed on the table in front of him, he said “Thank you for coming tonight.”

 

It wouldn't have taken much and Remus wouldn't have come. The whole week his thoughts had circled around the upcoming meeting with Sirius; what he would say, what else would happen, what Sirius would look like, even what outfit he should wear. Feeling this giddy to the point of nausea had reminded him all too much of the sixth year version of himself and that was a highly confusing time, he definitely did not want to be associated with now. He grew more and more disgusted by the minute. Only this time the rising sickness wasn't just nerves, it was vulnerability, fear and hate all at once. In the end common sense had won him over though, a rational person like him could not let his weaknesses and emotions be an excuse to not do something, he so desperately wanted and feared at the same time, and he'd given in to the excitement, he felt over seeing Sirius.

By the time he slid into the bench opposite Sirius, he felt so sick, he could have thrown up. The worst part about their meeting was the unknown; what could you expect from an almost date with your former full time best friend and sometimes lover?!

Sirius first barely looked up, then stared at him so intently, Remus felt utterly selfconscious. It was scarily similar to the way, Sirius's looks had made him feel, when after the initial hook-ups, starting midway through 6th year, their relationship had turned into something infinitely more intimate. The transformation had started with physical scars and ended with the emotional ones inflicted during that faithful year, that had ended with Sirius being sent to Azkaban.

“Hi”, Sirius breathed in that incredible low voice, that had driven teenage Remus mad.

Trying to stop himself from squirming under Sirius's gaze, Remus stiffened and formally replied: “Hello, Sirius.”

For a moment it seemed as if their stares were battling with each other, until Sirius gave in and looked intently at the table top in front of him: “Thank you for coming tonight.”

A terrible sneer was forming on Remus's lips, but he couldn't stop it from escaping into the void between them, didn't want to: “And you selfrighteous prick think that's enough, do you? You made me obliviate a defenceless, well meaning, innocent muggle!” He spat the last part. There was a moistness to his eyes, which he refused to believe was tears.

As if he were literally falling apart, Remus could see Sirius crumble. The glint of hope vanished, the corner of his mouth twitched and his hands suddenly gripped the table top much harder, so his knuckles turned white. “I...” he started, “I didn't mean to... Moony...”

Unintended Remus flinched at the old nickname. “Don't.”

Like a small, beaten school boy, Sirius mumbled: “I was stupid and I'm sorry.” Remus had won, but it didn't feel like a victory. He'd assumed to feel satisfactory at the sight of Sirius's hurt, but he just felt like laughing at the both of them, pathetic and old. Never had he thought of fourty-somethings as old and yet here they were, wasted by life. By hurting Sirius Remus had hoped to make himself feel better, but he felt bitter and guilty. So instead of taking his own advice and apologising, Remus started rambling about his job search and impossible neighbour; anything other than Sirius related.

 

Somehow Sirius could not take his eyes of Remus's lips, even though he tried his best to focus on his words instead. The quick stacchato of words and years of experience told Sirius anyway that his friend was just talking to fill the silence and ignore his feelings. Remus's lips were slightly chapped and thinner than one would have thought attractive, but damn, when Sirius thought of the things, those lips could do to him. Despite having just spat deeply hurtful words, those lips could capture him completely. He had to think of one incident in particular, which had occurred some time in early 1977, when they'd still been sixth-years at Hogwarts...

 

_Sirius woke up, feeling momentarily paralysed. Only seconds later a crippling pain shot up in his arms, legs, torso – basically everywhere._

“ _...don't think he's awake yet...” “...shouldn't we bring him... nurse will be able to fix him... James!” “...just relax? ...can't find out...”_

_Intrigued, Sirius tried to move his head to be able to identify the voices, that seemed to float in mid-air. Unintentionally he groaned rather loudly, making his head ache increase even more. He couldn't even open his eyes, since one appeared to be swollen shut._

“ _Pads?”_

_Sirius moaned in acknowledgement._

“ _Come on, open your eyes, mate!”_

_He could feel his eye lids flutter slightly and then light streamed into one of his eyes. The pain was immediate and sharp._

_Slowly, he got used to the brightness and the huge blur evolved into a mop of dark hair and circular glasses. James – who else would wear those horrible spectacles in their teenage years!? At least his sense for irony didn't seem to be affected by his injury, Sirius was relieved to discover._

“ _Thank goodness!”, dark blur James exclaimed, “See Pete, he'll be just fine!”_

_Light blur, apparently Pete, let out a huff, but sounded relieved nevertheless, when he replied: “Okay, you were right. Next time no such stunts though!”_

_Stunts? What were his friends talking about? When Sirius thought about present events his head seemed to be filled solely with foam and he couldn't remember... oh. Oh. Images of a room came to mind, filled with dark murky shadows and then: Moony. Moony, who'd just suffered through a transition. Without thinking Sirius shot up from his lying position, but fell back onto the mattress immediately._

_Voice thick with concern James asked: “You all right there?”_

“ _Moony...”, Sirius gasped then was interrupted mid-sentence by Pete, sounding very much like his smothering mother in that moment._

“ _You're not going anywhere in this state! Remus is in the hospital wing like always and looks much better than you do. Don't you worry about him now.”_

_Relief – Remus was fine. As if some physical strain had been lifted from him, Sirius closed his eyes and drifted back into unconsciousness._

 

_In the following days more images came back to him. It had been a full moon like any other, although in fact, none of them was the same. As per usual, Sirius, James and Peter had sneaked out after Remus had been guided down to the Shrieking Shack by Mrs Pomfrey. “Isn't this a beautiful night to go stag?”, James had lamely joked and Peter had giggled. Sirius could remember thinking, his best friend was right, the night was beautiful; the air was clear and smelt of the forest, the moon stood high in the sky. If it hadn't meant Moony was forced to be somebody he was not, which was visibly paining him, Sirius would have said, that it was one of those times, when night was most appealing._

_As matters stood, they had been on their way to make yet another painful experience a little more bearable for their friend. Said best friend had already been in agony, when they'd arrived. On good nights the four of them would leave the Shrieking Shack to go explore in the woods and test the boundaries of their animal bodies. That particular night did not turn out to be a good night: Remus had been irritable, in a lot of pain and unusually aggressive, even for a werewolf._

_Then something had gone wrong. Remus had suddenly sensed something outside the shack and the werewolf had begun taking apart everything within his reach. This in itself had not been unusual, but the fact that apparently some of the children from Hogsmeade had been exploring the haunted place earlier in the month, was. Unlike the adults, they were enthralled by the rumours of demons in the shack, rather than kept away from it. One of them had tried to open one of the heavy doors and must have damaged the hinge, because suddenly Remus had been throwing himself against the door in an attempt to open it, making it shake more and more with every thrust._

_After that point Sirius didn't remember much, only shapes and colours, grey and red; James and Peter had filled in the blanks later, when he'd recovered a bit. Seen as Peter transformed into a rat and James as a stag wasn't exactly a fair match for a fully grown werewolf either, apparently Sirius had dashed for it and had bitten the werewolf into the hip. 'You bloody, heroic idiot', James had later called him for it, but he'd smiled. Although Sirius had bee easily shaken off and landed a good few metres away, he had managed to divert the creature's attention to himself. Their fight had taken a couple of minutes, but eventually Sirius had been knocked unconscious after Remus's claws had ripped a large gash next to his left shoulder blade and he'd been thrown to the floor several times._

_Satisfied in his thirst for destruction, Remus had calmed down and fortunately hadn't rediscovered the loose hinges and as soon as he'd transformed back and had fallen unconscious himself, James and Peter had carried Sirius back to the dormitory, leaving Moony behind, to be found by the school matron soon after. When James had filled Sirius in, Peter once again had squeaked, that he'd wanted to get him to a nurse immediately, but James had insisted, it would be stupid to blow their cover for anything this minor. Although Sirius did secretly agree with his best friend, he had given Wormtail's shoulder a grateful squeeze: “Thanks, but I'm fine, really.”_

_It wasn't as if Sirius really cared about the whole incident. He was still a little sore and the gash would surely cause a huge scar to form next to his shoulder blades. None of the teacher's picked up on his exhaustion though, James and Peter were trying their best to help him cover up his clumsiness and absence of mind. Sirius was determined to keep the events of that night a secret and of course he wasn't holding any grudge against Remus; he knew as much as anybody what it was like to not be in control of one's actions. Moony, however, had been avoiding him all week, finding excuses to sit somewhere else during class and in the Great Hall and at night he was always back late to the dormitories, usually when a still weak Sirius was already sleeping._

_Over the course of the week Sirius confusion and also irritation grew – if he could put the accident behind him, why couldn't his friend? It might have been the first time in weeks, he wasn't thinking about Remus's sexy husky voice or his incredibly lean body, simply because he was never alone with him long enough to perceive them. When he asked his friends about it, Peter shrugged and mumbled: “Well, he's Remus”, while James was at least a little more helpful, suggesting to wait a while and then talk to Moony again._

_Sirius wasn't one for patience though, so when he walked into the dormitories, skipping Astronomy, because he was feeling a little dizzy and heard the shower running, knowing it had to be Remus, since James and Peter were both in the class he'd just left, he decided to wait for Moony and confront him. He plopped down on Remus's bed and impatiently kicked his heels against the wooden frame. Although Remus took the shortest showers out of all four room mates, that time span seemed to last ten times longer than usual._

_Then Moony emerged wearing only a towel around his middle and Sirius had to swallow hard. The sight of his nearly naked friend was almost enough to make him forget his anger, but Sirius was not a very forgiving person, so the sexual frustration mixed with his annoyance over Remus's odd behaviour to form an entirely new sensation, which Sirius quite liked._

_Fuelled he got right into it, ignoring the look of confusion and anger on Remus's face: “You bastard really think you get rid of me? Well, you can't. You've already got a chunk of my shoulder, you're not taking Moony away from me too!” His outbreak felt alarmingly similar to a temper tantrum, but it seemed to have an effect on Remus, whose expression softened. He stepped over to sit next to Sirius on the bed, making the mattress dip. So close to him, Sirius could feel the heat radiating of his still damp body and that alone made his breath catch in the back of his throat. Remus's bare skin was far too close by his own. Normally this was the point, one of them would give in close the distance, filling it with desperate kisses._

_Both of them remained silent for a while, the tension in the room building until Sirius couldn't take it any longer. “You really don't have anything to say about ignoring me the whole week!? Not one bloody word?!”, he snapped, “I'm glad our friendship means so much to you! I threw myself in front of a sodding werewolf for you, Remus!” If his eyes had been able to burn holes into Remus's skull, they surely would have._

_Remus expression grew even more pained, but even though Sirius felt pity for his friend somewhere in the back of his mind, the anger overpowered any sympathy._

“ _Tell me, Remus”, he spat, “would you have even considered doing the same for me?!”_

“ _I'm sorry”, Remus stated quietly without looking at Sirius. “But I can't look at you, knowing I've hurt you so bad, you couldn't get out of bed for two days and because you were out breaking the rules for me, you couldn't even go to the nurse.” He took a deep breath and buried his face in his hands. However this pityful state only infuriated Sirius more._

“ _Oh, so I should feel sorry for you now?!”, he mocked, sounding more cruel than intended. “Poor Moony, the little scared boy.” Sirius felt as though he was spitting out venom._

_At that Remus's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically and spluttered: “No, you shouldn't! I'm a monster and I've hurt you. You should be scared of me; you shouldn't even want to be friends with me. None of you.” His voice sounded the vulnerable, which was rare for somebody who knew how to endure, and it wavered a little, when he added: “And now you've got that horrible scar to remind me forever, I'm a danger to you all...”_

_Something in his tone made Sirius's anger evaporate in an instant. Even though he could easily enraged, it often took just as little to sway his mood completely opposite. As much as ever he wanted to protect Remus, most of all from himself. Contemplating what to reply to that, he took two seconds to stare up at the ceiling. He didn't mind the scar, it made him look fierce and kind of cool, but he was scared of what it symbolised to Remus and how it could affect their friendship. Inhaling deeply, he stood up and took of his shirt, trying to remind himself that his friend had seen his torso a million times before and that it wasn't all that intimate. Heck, he'd seen way more than his back or chest..._

_Careful not to damage the skin around the wound any further, he let his head fall to his chest and rounded his back slightly. He didn't sound as steady as he would've wanted, when he mumbled: “See, it's not that bad.” Suddenly Sirius felt terribly exposed and he felt a tightening in his chest; he hadn't made things better, only more awkward. Did Remus think he was implying anything, they'd been so carefully avoiding those last weeks?_

_He would have put his shirt back on and apologised but then he heard a rustle of sheets behind him, then a cold finger traced along his scar. Sirius shivered at the feathery touch; only from the cold, he told himself. Remus's fingertips wandered over the severed tissue gently and slowly. The scar was so close to his spine, Sirius could feel the trace tingling all the way down to the base of it. Suddenly he was glad, he had his back turned on Remus, so his friend couldn't see his blush. Never had Remus's touch made him feel this way, even though there had been many occasions, which had left them both panting and utterly blissful. To fill the silence and to not seem too into whatever the hell Moony was doing, he further added: “It's healing already and I'll just tell people I fell of a broomstick and I don't care that you gave me that scar. You weren't yourself and I could never, never be scared of you...” God, now he was rambling,he honestly could never keep his mouth shut._

_Instead of a response, fingertips were replaced with Remus chapped, rough lips. The skin around his scar suddenly felt hot and a fluttery, foreign, but pleasant feeling formed in Sirius's stomach. He suddenly felt extremely dizzy. How could such a simple touch cause such a great reaction from his body? They had kissed what felt close to a hundred times, but yet, this felt like something different entirely. Surprised, Sirius straightened his back and immediately Remus retreated, as if he'd been burnt._

“ _I'm sorry, I...”, he stuttered, but Sirius interrupted him: “It's fine, Rem.” And it was fine; quite honestly Sirius craved more of whatever they'd just shared. It had felt electric._

_He turned to face Remus, to be able to read his friend's expression. Did he feel the same spark, as he had? They stood there, eyes wide and Sirius's heart was pounding, so loudly, he was afraid, Remus would hear it. That strange mixture of anticipation and dread filled him, as he looked into the familiar face. What in the name of Godrick Gryffindor were they doing?! Their relationship was about friendship and passion, but never intimacy._

_Then the door burst open. “There you are!”, James announced, “I'm so jealous, astronomy was a pain today...” Neither he or Peter seemed to find it odd, that Remus was still only wearing a towel around his hips and that Sirius's shirt had been carelessly tossed onto the floor._

_Sirius tried his best to smile at James, but his thoughts were still solely focused on the feel of Remus's lips burned into his skin and mind. He picked up his shirt and shuffled over to his own bed, careful not to look at any of his friends. Would Prongs still be jealous, if he knew, what had really been going on seconds ago?_

 

Back then, Sirius had never expected the kind of connection, but right now it seemed they were even further away from anything close to honesty, even though at the time, Sirius hadn't thought that possible. The scar incident hadn't been their first sexual contact, but no kissing or fooling around had ever amounted to the same emotional load. And wasn't it just pathetic that he fantasized about Remus, when his friend clearly intended on hurting him with his cruel words earlier?

“Are you even listening?!”, Remus interrupted his trail of thought, frustration audible in his voice. His eyes told of all the mistrust and anger, he felt, but still Sirius was drawn to him. If he was quite honest with himself, he'd always on some level felt that way; it was Remus, who'd only developed feelings over time.

“Yes... sure... just thinking about stuff, too...”, Sirius felt his face heat up as he stumbled over the words.

Remus snorted irritatedly in response. Then he just looked at Sirius as if it were a challenge.

An overwhelming load of emotions raced through Sirius he wouldn't have thought it possible to feel this way. Hurt, betrayal, love, lust, sadness, empathy – all at once. There was only one he truly wanted to express: relief. Young Sirius had been very much in touch with his feelings, saying things without thinking, behaving reckless on impulses and always allowing himself to do, what he wanted to. Post-Azkaban Sirius was less so, hiding behind a wall of false strength and impartiality, it felt almost foreign to him, when he reached over to take Remus's hand and squeezed it slightly. This time around he forced himself to raise his eyes to meet Remus's blue one's. If he were still sixteen, he would have blurted out a whole speech, detailling the way he felt, and freaked out only on the inside, scared of what the response would be. Now he tried to lay all that was going on in his heart and mind into one simple sentence: “I'm so glad, you're here.”

 

Remus had known Sirius since the first year, they'd been in Hogwarts together and he _knew_ him. Unlike himself Sirius said what he felt, a personality trait Remus had always admired. That particular evening though, he hadn't heard one truly honest word from his friend though and it made him wonder, whether he'd lost Sirius's trust or whether Sirius had simply lost one of his most valuable characteristics. Neither provided a particular bright outlook on the future. That was at least until Sirius had said the crucial words and Remus just felt that he meant it.

“I'm so glad, you're here.”

Touchy was not a word anyone would ever use to describe Remus. One had to earn his trust in order to be permitted only the slightest skin contact. It had taken him weeks to initially get over the foreign feeling of say, James's arm slung over his shoulder, and he'd always considered it a great irony, that two of his best friends, James and Sirius, were two of the most tactile people, he'd ever met. When Sirius grabbed his hand, his first instinct was to pull his hand from Sirius's grasp and run. Then his friend had said the magic words though, offering Remus a part of his soul, and he had no other choice than to stay. Vulnerable Sirius had always affected him in a way, he could not explain. Providing the most he could possibly give at present time, Remus squeezed the hand back and the radiant smile that spread on Sirius's face meant that he understood the significance of this seemingly tiny action. Their hands clasped together meant, that maybe there was a tomorrow and a day after that. Maybe it wasn't the end of their story, but only the beginning of a sequel. Maybe not as fiery or even romantic as the first one, but at least existent.

 

The rest of the evening had gone smoothly. They'd drank beer and reminisced about their time at school. They'd laughed loudly, told tales, they hadn't thought of in a while, and Sirius even shed a tear, when Remus mentioned an incident at Lilly and James's wedding. When it was time for them to say goodbye, because the pub slowly closed down, they'd embraced briefly, an odd sensation running through Remus; it felt wrong and right at the same time, too short and too long, too intimate and too impersonal.

Then they went their opposite ways, the promise of meeting up again soon still in the air, and Remus had quickly headed out to his flat, collar pulled up high as a shield against the biting wind. As soon as he was out of sight though, he couldn't help but hesitate for a moment despite the cold and lean with his back against the brick wall. For an instant he closed his eyes and when he opened them again a huge grin was plastered on his face. He was too giddy, to even care that he had gone back to full teenage Remus mode again. Maybe that was a good thing.

 


	3. Teenage Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I have updated! I noticed my timeline is a little off (although I do not mention the time/season often), but now I thought, what the heck, I'd rather update and sort this out later than never get to the next chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless.

In was not in fact a good thing, Remus found out before long.

With Sirius back in his life, the memories of his other friends took up the invitation too and flooded his everyday dreams and thoughts. Lily's concerned voice told him, he was hardly reading anymore, was he okay? Prongs pranced around in Remus' life self-righteous as ever and Wormtail stared up at him from his tea with big round eyes - Sybille would have been so proud of him. Every minute of his day Remus was surrounded by people, he loved, but who weren't really there anymore. For someone deemed so intelligent, he often thought to himself, he was pretty darn stupid. Did he really think he could just have the sweetness back, but leave the rest behind closed doors?

Remus really couldn't decide, whether he felt better or worse, with each day he let Sirius reclaim space in his life. Harmless little walks they had, drinking tea on his balcony in the afternoon sun was decidedly unromantic and when Sirius left little notes in his apartment, it was a reminder of the past, when they used to do that all the time, not a token of newly found feelings. Those days Remus felt fine, relatively sane actually. Those days he could look stand on the balcony smoking a cigarette without hearing James scowl and say: “I do need my mates, you know.”

Some nights it got too real, too close though. One day Sirius came over out of the blue. Just rang the doorbell, when Remus as already in his pyjamas prepared for a night of blissful reading. With a sigh he put that ambition on hold and shuffled over to the door.

The mad grin the other wore was what made Remus squeamish as soon as he'd opened the door. “Did anyone see you?”, he asked frantically, not prepared to obliviate anybody else.

Sirius just laughed, leaning on the door frame with one hand. He may have lost a lot of his youth in Azkaban, but his lips still curled the same way and his hair was just as tousled. “Relax” His tongue made a clicking sound and Remus hated himself a little for immediately feeling less tense.

“What about Sally?”, he inquired nonetheless, because nobody knew better, how nosy that girl could be nor how reckless Sirius was.

“I apparated here, stopped nowhere, saw nobody in the hall.” It sounded like a police statement until he added: “I have to give it to you always know, how to pick the right neighbours” The wink that accompanied those words told Remus he was not talking about Emmeline's great baking skills...

Teenage him would have blushed furiously, while adult him still blushed a little, but sternly pulled his friend inside, just in (the very likely) case Sally would come out of her flat to see who was visiting so late. Besides Sirius being a widely sought after criminal, he had no doubt Sally would find a multitude of other reasons to bug him about his visitor for days.

“So eager?”, said criminal joked and Remus sighed. Apparently the sexual jokes would always stay, just like his own annoying habit of blushing.

A little out of interest and a little as a distraction Remus asked nonchalantly: “Why are you here?”

“Visiting you and catching up with a good old friend.”

“Fine.”

He didn't think they had much catching up to do, they'd seen each other rather frequently, but he wouldn't argue. Sirius was a spontaneous person, normally there wasn't anything unusual about him just showing up somewhere, so Remus really didn't know, why he felt so nervous.

Meanwhile his friend found his way not the kitchen easily – Remus often had to remind himself they had once both lived in the flat. Sirius plopped down on the kitchen counter and like a magician, he pulled out a bottle of red wine from underneath his coat. Abracadabra, the cure for everything.

Without giving a response Remus got two glasses from the cupboard, then finally turned with a look of daringness, that mirrored the other man's. “Now we're classier than drinking out of the bottle though”, he announced, drawing a laugh out of Sirius.

As of late that sound had been growing more frequent, which Remus was incredibly proud of, since he had secretly feared he would never hear it again. What a shame that would be. When James talked about Lily, it was her eyes, which he could go on forever about. “It's not that they're just plain pretty”, he used to say, drunk or not, “When you look into her eyes, you see what an intelligent, compassionate woman she is and right then...”, swallowing, then crooked smile, “then I know, how lucky I am. Her eyes are home.” They could be a loud bunch, the marauders, but when James said things like that, they all went quiet for a bit until Sirius clapped James on the shoulder and exclaimed: “You know what mate, I think I'm too young and beautiful for that crap. You leave those thoughts in that sappy love nest of yours.” They'd all agree and then there would be more drinks, but secretly Remus thought James had a point. When it came to Sirius, he would never in his life want to miss his laugh.

Even though the kitchen just fit a tiny table and two chairs into it, the two men sat down on the floor and Remus poured both of them a glass of wine. Not so classy after all.

After only the first sip Sirius made a face. “Wow, this really tastes like bollocks!”, he called out, the same swearing mess as ever.

So Remus tried it, because then he had to an laughed out moments later, which caused tiny drops of wine to splatter all over the floor. “Yes, it does”, he agreed and each of them took another big sip. The wine tasted of bollocks and youth.

They began talking about Remus's new job as a muggle house keeper and Sirius made lame jokes about his uniform and the real reason he was there – birds – which got funnier, the more the evening progressed. It felt like one of the good days, despite Remus previous anxiety.

Then suddenly Sirius grew quiet and after a while Remus halted in his storytelling, even though he hadn't gotten to the point yet.

“What?”, he probed.

In an instant the distance between seemed to have grown by a mile. It was still kind of scary, when his friend distanced himself like that. Sirius always talked, always shone, until he didn't and then nothing would really touch him anymore. Not Remus. Not even James.

“I was thinking.” A deep frown had formed on Sirius's forehead.

“About what?

Silence. Sirius's voice was flat, when he went on: “We had the same bottle of wine with James and Peter, remember? That night behind the quidditch pitch.”

And Remus remembered and everything around him started to spin. The whole evening the shadows that were haunting him, had been far gone, but with a crash they returned. Suddenly he felt like throwing up; anything to get that vile liquid out of his body to make him forget that afternoon.

 

“ _What is it, Pete?”_

“ _Why'd you bring us out here?”_

_Mischievously Peter stated: “Thought we could use some bonding time.” He shrugged._

_The four of them were standing on the stands of the quidditch pitch, Peter the highest up out of them all. His blonde hair was shining brightly from the sun._

“ _What you think us tolerating your stinking socks isn't bonding enough?”, Sirius hollerred, ready to go in for the head lock, before Remus pulled on his shirt._

“ _No”, Peter grinned. “I brought this – finest muggle wine.”_

_Remus couldn't hold back a grin – the bottle looked as cheap as it could get, but sure enough Sirius and James were ecstatic._

“ _Now that's what I call a good surprise after a long day”, the latter cried out._

“ _What – of you not writing your exam paper?”_

“ _Sod off, Padfoot.”_

_With a loud plopping sound Peter uncorked the bottle and held it to the sky. Remus thought, he hadn't seen his friend look as happy in a long time – in this particular light, he seemed radiant even. “To us!”, Pete proclaimed in a loud, preposterous voice. “To us saving the world!”_

_James and Sirius echoed equally as loud and Remus joined in, once Sirius's sharp elbow caught him in the side, but started laughing immediately after. They each took a large gulp out of the bottle, savouring the taste as though it didn't taste like sour grapes.“What idiots we are”, Remus thought, but not so secretly loved it. It was the day of their last final exam and why shouldn't it be them to save the world? They were young and strong and they'd always had luck at their sides._

 

Remus let his head drop back against the headboard with a loud bang. “Yeah alright, I remember.”

It was awfully quiet in the small room, the suffocating kind of silence. They'd often sit on the kitchen floor like this; Sirius's head on his shoulder and his hand in the thick black locks. Not this time though.

Finally Sirius stated coolly: “Looks like we didn't save the world after all.” He gulped down the rest of his wine and banged the glass onto the floor.

They'd been avoiding touch for weeks, ever since their meeting at the pub. But watching Sirius's jaw clench and unclench, did something to Remus and he grabbed Sirius's hand, before he could change his mind. He squeezed lightly. “No, we didn't.”

He didn't dare to look at his friend, who in turn at least didn't pull away his hand. He didn't squeeze back either, though.

Remus felt that there was something missing, no matter how lively Sirius made his days. Sirius was the only one out of the four of them, he had ever had any romantic feelings for and heck, he did enjoy some alone time, but no matter how hard they tried, now they were only half of the equation. Maybe that was why they refrained from using their old nicknames, for who were they without the marauders?

After a while Sirius got up abruptly and without looking at Remus muttered: “Got to go.” With a crack he was gone.

 

Remus half expected another radio silence, however he received a letter only three days later. The bird that brought it as colourful and enormous. He couldn't help but smile – had Sirius been a bird, this would have been him.

At the same time the bird made him wonder about Sirius's hiding place once again - all he knew was that when they met up, Sirius apparated from some place outside the country and back, when they were done. The only clue about his whereabouts had been that his friend looked unusually tan for the English winter. This bird however did not leave much room for guesses. A sigh escaped Remus's lips – Sirius seemed to share his fearlessness with this bird, too.

He unfastened the piece of paper from the bird's foot and began to read:

 

_Dear Rem,_

_I'm sorry, I left so abruptly after our last date. I seem to say sorry a lot._

_Will have to lay low for a while, but I can't wait to see you again. Please don't worry, I just don't want to risk anything._

_I wish I could tell you where I am or what I am doing, but truth be told, I am not really doing anything besides thinking of you._

_I miss you._

_Love,_

_Sirius_

 

That was the problem with Sirius – he loved too deeply, too fast, too personal. Remus had cautiously opened a little door for him and in he barged, leaving that door hanging only by one hinge. As much as Remus loved having him back, sometimes it felt too overwhelming, too close for comfort. No matter how ridiculous, he hadn't quite forgiven Sirius yet for what he'd done and he needed more time to adjust. Not a tropical bird bringing him sappy letters, when they both knew perfectly well, that Sirius could no longer say these kind of things to his face.

 

 

 


End file.
